Lost my voice

Hit with shocking news yesterday, I lost my writing voice.

The only thing consistently working is the delete key. I write, delete, write, delete….sit – stare – nothing. 

Mainly, I am desperately trying to process the sudden accidental death of a girlfriend….but at the same time grappling with a head-full of thoughts, all the who, what, why, when, where and how questions that flood in after a shock. Who am I?, What am I doing? Why!?  and so on…. 

Without going into too many details, (for both the sake of readers who knew her, and for those who didn’t) this sweet emotional powerhouse of a woman left the earth too early, leaving so much undone. We have a shared history that goes back two decades, a friendship that ebbed and flowed like family and a connection that -often scared me into hiding….

This is what is most painful, this is what has sucked my writing voice right out of me. Although her accidental death is not about me, it is hard not to look into the mirror when something like this happens and suddenly see things with a clarity that wasn’t there before.

Changes have to be made.

(note-the delete key has been working like crazy mad for the past several minutes…I don’t know how much to share here….where is the line?  who moved my thoughts? )

  Blogging has never been so hard, but worse my bread and butter articles are piling up- writing fashion articles is near impossible- who cares who is wearing what today, sports are meaningless… I have to get back into the swing of it all, but also know I cannot keep up.

*lots of words were here*

Suffice it to say, taking a good look at all your BIG QUESTIONS is worth it.  If your life does not line up with what you say you valuemake changes.

Baby steps, baby….I am not able to change everything in a day, and am determined to be gentle with myself this time….but  I also do not want to lose this glimpse of truth.

(and now reader, if you are of the praying persuasion- 
please say one for my girlfriends family – they are hurting)