Control

Spent more than half of this weekend wandering the halls of the hospital. A flukey condition, coupled with hospital policies and procedures, the personal schedule of the attending physicians and surgeons…created a situation where I had no control. As I paced, I realized how many times I have been here before…at the mercy of bureaucracy.

Hospitals, educational systems, foster/adoption agencies and the court system all render a single individual virtually helpless. No matter how much research I’ve done in order to prepare, or how many questions I ask – dealing with these systems is an exercise in frustration. They are not built to handle individuals as individuals….no, everyone is treated the same- p.c. extreme.

Ironically, “control” is the word of the week for the GBE2 challenge.(actually last week-little late due to the hospital stay)

Initially when thinking about this topic, I flashed back to eating disorders, mine and all the people I had met in treatment. I don’t remember most of their names, but they all made an impact on my life- we thought we could be in control, but striving left us completely out of control.

Later in the week, I remembered it was the four year anniversary of the death of a close friend. It was such a sudden death, completely unexpected- no control….his death brings up all the emotions of all my losses. The twelve year old son of a girlfriend, my girlfriend, a baby of another friend, my son’s twin, my miscarriages, another friend, an aunt, my grandma, a cousin and on and on…too many. No control.

Finally though, when dealing with the hospital, yet again…. I decided to just zen out.
I have control over my own reactions,
I can control how I respond to the unending waits,
I can control what I eat while there, even when the options seem to be caffeine/sugar/fat/-
I can take care of myself, read a good book, pray and leave it up to the One ultimately in charge.

Home again, weekend gone, control is only an illusion.

     

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