These challenges, (the A to Z challenge and the current Z to A challenge) are set up so that Sundays are free days. Tomorrow is officially T-day….but I am blogging tonight, for tomorrow, to save time. :)
The truth is…I am terrified of my tasks for tomorrow. Talking to strangers is not a strong point for me. Who am I kidding, talking to friends, family and acquaintances is not a strong point. I like people, I really do. I like to listen, I love to hear their stories, I am not comfortable talking.
There was a time in my life when I ‘talked funny’ – so, I met with a nice lady, a speech therapist, for a couple years. But while she was successful in straightening out my s’s and t’s and controlled my stutter…she couldn’t fix the part inside of me that tells me to just, “shut your mouth already.”
Tomorrow I have to find no less than 4 professionals in particular fields to interview. That means I have to make cold calls. I have to introduce myself. I have to set up a time to meet.
Now, I am not a complete putz, I have made cold calls before. I have introduced myself. I have set up appointments….for other people. When I worked in the agency, I had to make all sorts of arrangements for my boss. BUT…I could hide behind that curtain. I was calling FOR someone else, hiding behind their agenda. This time, I am calling for me. The person they will be meeting with, (IF I am successful), will be ME)
But I am trying to psych myself up by remembering tiny successes…other times when I was a freaking mess like I am tonight…and lived. Teaching was HUGE. Walking into my first creative writing class was insanely terrifying….but I still talk to a couple of those students. Amazing, they loved my classes. (I did too)
When this assignment was presented to me, I seriously considered turning it down. But, I have to take chances, do scary things, make myself do the next hardest thing. I may be scared…but I CRAVE this intense feeling of imminent failure. It’s a part of my character. I like to throw myself into moving traffic just to see if I will survive. I take jobs too hard for me, say yes to things completely over my head, and make large mistakes in judgment…but life goes on. It’s intriguing, in a freak show sort of way.
Tomorrow morning I will be playing Frogger with my emotions…..
…hating and loving every moment of it.