living lost

standing in a strange place, wondering….

“Stand still. The trees ahead and bush beside you are not lost.”
~Albert Einstein

“only when you are lost can love find itself in you without losing its way. “
~helene cixous

lost, is a common problem of mine, tends to occur between projects, as much as i fuss about deadlines…i do believe i would be a stagnant pool without the waves in the stormy sea of work to push me along.
I am facing a deadline right now. That painting. Yes, that one. The one to be auctioned off at David’s benefit dinner. It makes me sad and I run away….or turn the stereo up to a deafening volume, or make yet another pot of coffee, I’ve also gone dancing, took the kids fishing, went to the pool and finished a book, I’ve played chutes and ladders and rode bikes. Procrastination is good for my children and friends and other jobs.

The work will be done. It always gets done. But in the meantime,
I’m living lost.

There are ghosties in the lost, memories and reality get mixed up and rolled together.
Being with friends and family when lost is okay…talking to strangers is not. Last night, while having a crazy fun time dancing to my favorite band, a stranger approached…i had no defense, not a clue what to do or say and so, i smiled and walked away…then left. May have confused the poor fella, but trust me, I am much more confused!

I was lost when I little and painfully shy, the lisp, the stutter kept me silent, when speech therapy was the only time I spoke in public.
Lost is okay, lost makes sense to me and my artist brain,
lost allows connections to form where there aren’t any clear pathways.
Lost doesn’t scare me. It reminds me of who I am.

this very bizzare rambling is nothing more than an attempt to make a little sense of where i am,
but without a clear, precise destination, I suppose here is just as good as anywhere.

“One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked.
Where do you want to go? was his response.
I don’t know, Alice answered.
Then, said the cat, it doesn’t matter.”

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